Trying to Find Myself - Part 2 (of 2)

This Gilda Radner quote has been a staple throughout my life. She lost her life to cancer the same year as my mom. It reminds me to embrace all that life throws at me.

To say 1989 was a harrowing year, that's an understatement. If I didn't look at my 1989 calendar, I would think I wasn't there for my mom. Yet, I was there!!! She passed away on Tuesday, September 5 at 6:50 a.m. at home. I was there.

When I decided to make the move to Los Angeles I arrived in November. The month before, I survived the Loma Prieta Earthquake on October 17, at 5:04 p.m. The World Series (Oakland Athletics and the San Francisco Giants) game 3 was on television and it seemed as though everyone was crammed in The Good Guys! conference room. Read more about this at: There Will be at Least One More BIG One in My Lifetime.

Fast forward 2008 at my Dad's memorial service. Someone asked me if it was easier to lose someone quickly or to know they are going to die soon. I was speechless. There's nothing that prepares one for death, except knowing that we will all go eventually. For me, I don't want to suffer. It’s the quality of life, not the quantity.

I learned so much about what I did and did not want in my life that year. While painful, I had to let go of many things, not just my mom. 1989 was a pivotal point in my life and it changed me forever. Life--delicious ambiguity!

Trying to Find Myself - Part 1 (of 2)

When I meet people for the first time and we share family history, I find myself telling people I was only 29 years old when I lost my mom to cancer. I add that I feel bad that I was too busy trying to find myself and I hope I was there for her, but I was living up in Northern California at the time.

Just after my return from a weekend in San Francisco at the beginning of May, I was thinking about my mom. Has it really been 25 years? The night before she passed away, she said something to me that has stayed with me throughout my life. Though I laughed it off when we were talking, she was right. She knew me too well. I just wish she were here so I could tell her, "you’re right."

1989 defined me in many ways. I was living in Santa Cruz and after two and a half years decided it was time to move back to the Bay Area and make a go at an almost decade long relationship (that I let go of the same year). Now as I look at my Sierra Club Engagement Calendar, I flew or drove to Los Angeles nine times that year. I averaged a visit once a month—February 18, March 25, April 22, May 13, June 3, June 19, August 19, September 2, and November 4. June 19 was significant because I stayed for an entire month.

I left the beauty of Santa Cruz and Jonathan Peck Typographers in March 1989. I had started a new job in South San Francisco at The Good Guys! in their advertising department. After four months, they let me take a month leave to be with my mom in Los Angeles. It was during this leave I developed a freelance relationship with GTS (June 29) and was later to be my place of employment of 10 years from 1989 to 1999.